“After I was 40, it looked suspiciously like I was entering my midlife. Mydaughters were increasingly going their own way, I had been working at thesame school for almost twenty years and Peter and I now knew when to presswhich buttons together. Everything was flowing and I felt: I want to get out,not from family life, but something for myself.
Peter suggested a weekend away with a friend, but it wasn’t comprehensiveenough. I really wanted a place for myself, with time and space. Like such aman cave. It became a garden shed at an allotment garden association. A lovelylittle hut, with a couch, a table and some lights. I was immediately clear toPeter: he could come and have a look, but not stay. He was fine with it for along time, because gardening was no use to him and his newspapers wereenough.”
“Sometimes I went for a day, sometimes a weekend. And more and more often afew afternoons in a row. Peter would then do some chores around the house andI would cook, with what I brought from the country. But more and more Inoticed that Peet I hadn’t done anything at all when I came home a few hourslater, that the laundry from that morning was still in the machine, eventhough I had left a note on the table to remind him.
Not that that was a bad thing, but I just didn’t know him that way. Or that hehadn’t eaten all day and when I came home I was cross-eyed with hunger. I wasconcerned, but Peter waved it off.”
Worried face
“In the garden I regularly spoke with Arjan, my single neighbor who had anapartment in the city and liked to sit among the greenery. He often gave mesome of his harvest, because what did he do with fourteen courgettes on hisown? We shared vegetable garden tips and increasingly also a chat pot.
Arjan was the first to ask about my worried face and the first to say out loudthat I was worried about Peter. ‘Shouldn’t I be home more often,’ I dubbed,but Arjan convinced me to keep taking my own space.”
“Four years later, Peter was diagnosed with dementia and he goes to day carethree times a week. It is distressing to see. My once so proud and strong manis now quiet and dependent. In Arjan I found not only a listening ear, butalso love Nobody knows about us yet, and that will remain so for the timebeing I will continue to take care of Peter until the last gasp, and Arjanunderstands that too.
When Peter goes to day care, I visit Arjan. At home or in the garden. Thislanky young man, he’s 54, with his modest life next to my chaos, was alone foryears and seems to understand exactly how love works. He makes my life easier,and makes sure I don’t feel alone. And I give him that too. Even now thatPeter sometimes also takes some of our time and I sit at home on holidays andother important days, without him.”
Peace, nature and love in the vegetable garden
“My daughters have already met Arjan, Peter too, but to the outside world heis a very beloved family friend. Only when it feels right for both of us willwe tell that we have found love in each other. For now my life exists for Imostly take care of my family and I am more grateful than ever for my oasis ofpeace, nature and now also love in the vegetable garden.
Arjan and I enjoy the here and now. We can do that like the best. I’m olderthan him, I have a demented husband, I’m worried about the kids, but itdoesn’t matter. Because if we are together and proudly look at how well thebeets are doing, and I walk into his country with a fresh pumpkin soup, thenwe are close and we live fully.”
The names Joke and Arjan are fictitious names, their real names are known tothe editors.
Wanted: Love Lessons
For the Love Lesson section on RTL Nieuws Lifestyle we are looking forbeautiful, vulnerable, funny, inspiring and honest love lessons. An insight, amoment of reflection. Preferably with a hand in your own bosom. Did youeventually turn out to be the one with fear of commitment? Should you neverhave emigrated for love or did a blended family turn out to be an illusion?Journalist Hanneke Mijnster would like to ask you all about it. You can tellanonymously. Mail to: hanneke.mijnster@rtl.nl.