Elle: ‘The three of us recently bought a house’

“I first fell in love with Tom as a teenage girl of 14. Less than a month later I felt the same jitters for Adam, his best friend. Both boys liked me and I said out loud that I was in love with them both. It didn’t take more than a little kissing, and in the years that followed I dismissed my double crush as a little joke from my childhood. That would probably never happen again. But it happened again when I was 17. I was in love, I had a great relationship and fell in love with someone else again.

This boy broke up with me when I confessed. I felt so strange and so strange that I didn’t dare to fall in love for a long time. I stopped allowing myself feelings for others.”

“Until I fell madly in love with James. This handsome blond man was in the same sorority as me and stole my heart. James turned out to be everything I needed. My best friend, my buddy, my romantic love. For the first time in years I dared again to feel and even enjoy my feelings.

And again it happened. I fell in love with someone else again. To Henry, whom I knew from football. When I confessed this to James, he laughed. There was no anger, no jealousy. In my love with James, there appeared to be room to pursue this feeling as well.”

Multiple love relationships side by side

“Henry is a bit older than me and has more experience. He taught me about polyamory, having multiple love relationships next to each other, everything honest and open to everyone.

I’ve been with James and Henry for a few years now. James and I got married, for administrative reasons, and Henry sat at the front of the ceremony. If I could I would marry both, but unfortunately that is not allowed by Dutch law. My family, friends and colleagues all know about it.”

“The three of us recently bought a house. Everyone has their own room and bed and private space. We have strict rules about that too. The rest we share with the three of us, both the household chores and the costs. We have all three different salaries, so we divided the fixed costs pro rata, everyone has their own room and we share an agenda to keep track of who is where.

They are both nice spontaneous guys with whom I each share different hobbies. They also look a bit alike, it is clear to see that I have a certain taste. We go to festivals together and weekends away as a couple. When we go out with a group of friends, both men go with us, but the three of us on holiday we haven’t really done so far.”

Granting each other’s individuality

“The great thing about poly is that you don’t have to get everything from one person. Everyone gets tired sometimes, everyone does things with their partner that they actually don’t like. I can outsource those things, as it were. I have someone I like to go to concerts with and someone who really likes gaming so I can share all my hobbies with both.

James is much more of an emotional person and can listen very well, while Henry is very practical. James doesn’t like to cook so Henry does that, Henry doesn’t like folding the laundry so I do that, I don’t like vacuuming so James does. In this way we all complement each other. We give each other our individuality.”

Incredible libidos or swingers

“James is also with Melissa, Henry is also with Sanne and I am with my two men and I have never felt so loved. It is wonderful to see how James and Henry interact with their other partners and how my men get along so well with be friends. It feels like some kind of intensely close group of friends where everyone cares about each other. I would do both metamoursor the partners of my partners, dare to call friends.

“People always think that we must have massive libidos or be swingers, but it doesn’t work that way. It’s more like having two monogamous relationships side by side, both of whom are equally dear to me. In fact, I think the trust within our relationships is better than in many monogamous relationships. Jealousy and replacement fear are always lurking. Good communication and enough confirmation of the uniqueness of the relationship are therefore very important. We have found our way there by finding out where the felt jealousy comes from. is often not an envy that someone has something you don’t have, but fear or insecurity that needs to be expressed.”

New crush not excluded

“In a practical sense it is sometimes quite difficult to keep an agenda and to find space in it for all the different parties to be together. We are not looking for a new love either. We are all polysaturated as it is called, our current construction is enough.

But it cannot be ruled out that one of us could fall in love again. When that happens, we just have to sit down again and set rules and expectations. But one thing is certain: I will grow old with these two.”

The names Elle, James and Henry are fictitious names. Their real names are known to the editors.

Wanted: Love Lessons

For the Love Lesson section on RTL Nieuws Lifestyle we are looking for beautiful, vulnerable, funny, inspiring and honest love lessons. An insight, a moment of reflection. Preferably with a hand in your own bosom. Did you eventually turn out to be the one with fear of commitment? Should you never have emigrated for love or did a blended family turn out to be an illusion? Journalist Hanneke Mijnster would like to ask you all about it. You can tell anonymously. Mail to: hanneke.mijnster@rtl.nl.

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