“I first fell in love with Tom as a teenage girl of 14. Less than a monthlater I felt the same jitters for Adam, his best friend. Both boys liked meand I said out loud that I was in love with them both. It didn’t take morethan a little kissing, and in the years that followed I dismissed my doublecrush as a little joke from my childhood. That would probably never happenagain. But it happened again when I was 17. I was in love, I had a greatrelationship and fell in love with someone else again.
This boy broke up with me when I confessed. I felt so strange and so strangethat I didn’t dare to fall in love for a long time. I stopped allowing myselffeelings for others.”
“Until I fell madly in love with James. This handsome blond man was in thesame sorority as me and stole my heart. James turned out to be everything Ineeded. My best friend, my buddy, my romantic love. For the first time inyears I dared again to feel and even enjoy my feelings.
And again it happened. I fell in love with someone else again. To Henry, whomI knew from football. When I confessed this to James, he laughed. There was noanger, no jealousy. In my love with James, there appeared to be room to pursuethis feeling as well.”
Multiple love relationships side by side
“Henry is a bit older than me and has more experience. He taught me aboutpolyamory, having multiple love relationships next to each other, everythinghonest and open to everyone.
I’ve been with James and Henry for a few years now. James and I got married,for administrative reasons, and Henry sat at the front of the ceremony. If Icould I would marry both, but unfortunately that is not allowed by Dutch law.My family, friends and colleagues all know about it.”
“The three of us recently bought a house. Everyone has their own room and bedand private space. We have strict rules about that too. The rest we share withthe three of us, both the household chores and the costs. We have all threedifferent salaries, so we divided the fixed costs pro rata, everyone has theirown room and we share an agenda to keep track of who is where.
They are both nice spontaneous guys with whom I each share different hobbies.They also look a bit alike, it is clear to see that I have a certain taste. Wego to festivals together and weekends away as a couple. When we go out with agroup of friends, both men go with us, but the three of us on holiday wehaven’t really done so far.”
Granting each other’s individuality
“The great thing about poly is that you don’t have to get everything from oneperson. Everyone gets tired sometimes, everyone does things with their partnerthat they actually don’t like. I can outsource those things, as it were. Ihave someone I like to go to concerts with and someone who really likes gamingso I can share all my hobbies with both.
James is much more of an emotional person and can listen very well, whileHenry is very practical. James doesn’t like to cook so Henry does that, Henrydoesn’t like folding the laundry so I do that, I don’t like vacuuming so Jamesdoes. In this way we all complement each other. We give each other ourindividuality.”
Incredible libidos or swingers
“James is also with Melissa, Henry is also with Sanne and I am with my two menand I have never felt so loved. It is wonderful to see how James and Henryinteract with their other partners and how my men get along so well with befriends. It feels like some kind of intensely close group of friends whereeveryone cares about each other. I would do both metamours or the partnersof my partners, dare to call friends.
“People always think that we must have massive libidos or be swingers, but itdoesn’t work that way. It’s more like having two monogamous relationships sideby side, both of whom are equally dear to me. In fact, I think the trustwithin our relationships is better than in many monogamous relationships.Jealousy and replacement fear are always lurking. Good communication andenough confirmation of the uniqueness of the relationship are therefore veryimportant. We have found our way there by finding out where the felt jealousycomes from. is often not an envy that someone has something you don’t have,but fear or insecurity that needs to be expressed.”
New crush not excluded
“In a practical sense it is sometimes quite difficult to keep an agenda and tofind space in it for all the different parties to be together. We are notlooking for a new love either. We are all polysaturated as it is called, ourcurrent construction is enough.
But it cannot be ruled out that one of us could fall in love again. When thathappens, we just have to sit down again and set rules and expectations. Butone thing is certain: I will grow old with these two.”
The names Elle, James and Henry are fictitious names. Their real names areknown to the editors.
Wanted: Love Lessons
For the Love Lesson section on RTL Nieuws Lifestyle we are looking forbeautiful, vulnerable, funny, inspiring and honest love lessons. An insight, amoment of reflection. Preferably with a hand in your own bosom. Did youeventually turn out to be the one with fear of commitment? Should you neverhave emigrated for love or did a blended family turn out to be an illusion?Journalist Hanneke Mijnster would like to ask you all about it. You can tellanonymously. Mail to: hanneke.mijnster@rtl.nl.