Why this particular number?
“I first heard the song at the end of a movie and it immediately touched me.It matched so beautifully with the period I was in then, and what is stillgoing on today. _You don ‘t want to hurt yourself _Fink sings for example,which reminds me of the time when I struggled with self-mutilation.”
“But it’s not just the literal reading of the lyrics. The song also tells me,as the title suggests: don’t look too close to the details, but take somedistance. By zooming in you see everything that is not even. It’s also good totake a step back.”
“This song is a reminder to myself: I don’t want to hurt myself. When I listento it, I feel strength. I don’t have to punish myself, I don’t have to feelanything but the emotion that is there in that moment. In the time that itreally wasn’t going well with me I took out a funeral insurance and added alist with which songs I want to play and at what time It’s a last greeting andit has to be perfect and I didn’t want my parents there too would still bethere.”
And what does it say about your life?
“My childhood was not easy. I was bullied a lot at school and I never reallybelonged anywhere. That made me insecure. About what I looked like, and aboutwhat I could and could not do. I sought help for my depression, but the Dutchhealthcare is not well organized. Waiting lists, having to tell the same storytime and again to different practitioners. That does not help if you can nolonger see a way out yourself.”
“One of the social workers who came on a home visit abused me and I filed acomplaint against it. A terrible experience, which gave me PTSD. I am now intreatment for that. And yet I try to see the bright spots. Last year Igraduated as a nurse and now I work in palliative care I held my grandmotherin my arms when she died, we didn’t see that coming and I started to care frommy intuition and because of that I know: I want this for other people too Ireally enjoy being there for someone who is in pain in the last phase oflife.”
Where do you prefer to listen to music?
“I always have music on, no matter what I’m doing. Also outside. But I preferto listen on the couch, with headphones on, so that it drums a little louderand I can really dive in. Songs that meaning to me is what I listen to themost. Whether it’s this week or this month, or something from the past. Ireally need to feel music.”
How many lists do you have on Spotify?
“A lot. I also gratefully use the existing lists, such as singalong in thecar songs and from the daily mix that Spotify makes for me. And then I madeabout twenty more myself in genres to laugh and to cry.”
What is your guilty pleasure?
“Old rock. Queen and Guns ‘n Roses. Old-fashioned music for a woman in hermid-twenties, but I just enjoy it. Calm down, because I’m not much of a_outgoing_ type that dances. Not even in the living room because I’m alwaysafraid someone will see me. Even at We Will Rock You I can keep my handsstill without any problem.”