Looking, hearing, feeling, smelling, tasting, intuition: our senses make uswho we are. This week: singer Caroline van der Leeuw (41). She rose to fame asCaro Emerald, but said goodbye to her alter ego. Her new album features a newname: The Jordan. “This is also a personal transformation.”
Rick PullensJanuary 6, 202322:25
FEELING (1) – I don’t want to hide myself
“Goodbye? For me this doesn’t feel like a goodbye, it’s not like I close thedoor completely for Caro Emerald. Distance is a better word. I’m not going tosay I’m never going to perform in that capacity again, you never know how thefuture will turn out, but I’m really just done with it.
I recently said in an interview, “I created a monster with Caro Emerald.” Bysaying that I really created a monster. A statement like that is big in thenewspaper, but takes everything out of context. Whoever reads that thinks: sheperformed as Caro Emerald for thirteen years and hated it all that time. Thatis not true. It was great fun, but there was also frustration.
Caro Emerald was a three-person project and a songwriter on top of that, buthe wasn’t part of the collective. I found the atmosphere of the songs,inspired by the forties and fifties, very cool. The nostalgia. I also hadsomething with the romantic lyrics, but it didn’t touch my personal lifeenough. I often found it too good. That made me a little tickled.
I can be very outspoken, but that side of me was not wanted, I had to hide alot of myself. Part was not there. While I wanted to show that. There was acontinuous battle. That was also abrasive during interviews and promos,because then I had to sell ‘the product Caro Emerald’. At a certain point, asan artist you become a brand, a brand that takes on a life of its own.
Caro Emerald and I grew apart very slowly. I have regularly thought: this isnot all I can do, I also want something different, something more in-depth,something where I can fully show myself. But really saying ‘I don’t like thisanymore’, I’m bad at that. That feeling was not allowed to be there for me fora long time. It is not really accepted that someone who is so successful says:I want to stop doing this.”
Image Patrick Post
FEELING (2) – Starting over feels alone
“Pretty early, in the run-up to the second album, somewhere in 2012, I startedwriting songs myself, outside of the collective. I had never done that before.I was in a total high the first album was a great success, but I wanted todevelop further.
That writing became more and more serious. Songs came out that were very coolbut didn’t fit Caro Emerald at all. I knew: if I ever want to promote thismaterial I have to temporarily stop Caro Emerald, you don’t do two things atthe same time, that’s weird and clumsy. But I had a hard time saying, sorryguys, I don’t want to do those tours for a while.
And then came corona. Everything was automatically postponed. It became myescape. By now I had put my whole heart and soul into my new project.
But I had no management, no label, no publisher, nothing. Everything hadalways revolved around Caro Emerald, not around me as a separate person, as aseparate artist. I had to reinvent everything. A kind of free fall. I wantedto, but that was also difficult. Confronting. Because who are you without thatwhole device around you? If you haven’t even signed anywhere?
One day my heart sank, the next day I was combative and I thought: I can dothis, I just have to create good songs, myself, or together with someone.That’s how it went all the time. Fortunately, a big fire was burning in me, Ireally thought: this must be possible. I didn’t let the voices in my head fobme off, but sometimes I really didn’t know how or what. Then it was crying andI felt very, very small. I got plenty of pep talks, but it had to take placein my own head: who am I without Caro Emerald?”
HEAR – A new name, a new sound
“My new project is called The Jordan, a name that refers to the neighborhoodwhere I grew up: the Jordaan in Amsterdam. That’s where I started singing. Inprimary school, I had a solo in the final musical, afterwards everyone said:you have talent. The idea that I would become a singer was born there andnever left.
I took singing lessons with Jim Giloffo, group lessons: polyphonic, first withall kinds of dances, with those jazz hands, later it became thick closeharmony. Really spicy. That was quite decisive. It was good for my hearing,you have to sing very cleanly for it, a good run-up to the conservatory too,but it took me a long time to develop as a solo singer.
Image Patrick Post
On the new album I show what I have to offer as a singer. There is more to mysound palette than I thought. I sing rocky, sometimes even bluesy. Some songsare almost whispering, I sing them very introverted. Friends said: is thisyou?
Yet it sounds authentic and convincing. I surprised myself. That’s the bestpart: that you’ve already seen the whole world, already had a mega career andcan still discover yourself. How cool is that?”
SMELL – The smell of food brings me home
“I feel that way with Antillean and Surinamese people instantly At home.It’s because of the smell of the food: it’s the smell of my childhood. Mymother is Antillean. She always cooked very well, I associate the smell offried onions with her. We sometimes ate soy sauce chicken or brown beans withrice at home, but she made Dutch pot just as well. I hated that. I myself alsolove to cook, it is one of my biggest hobbies next to singing.
I was raised very Dutch. My family does not have that typical Antillean, whichmany people imagine. For example, they have no accent at all, except for mygrandmother, who does speak with an accent, she is Surinamese. More than tenyears ago I went back to Aruba with my mother. She hadn’t been there sincechildhood. So special. It felt like coming home, even for me, even though Idon’t have any family there anymore.
When my parents were still together, we lived in a beautiful, large buildingon the Rozengracht. But after the divorce, there was little money. My mothercertainly didn’t have nothing, she just had a job, but we lived very small. Ihad a room that barely fit a bed. And we always ate kidney beans. That wascheap. With a Turkish salad and burgers from the offer. I hated it. But it wasalso a beautiful and warm time.
My mother played a lot of piano at home, at quite a high level, she would haveliked to go to the conservatory. She has always supported me in my desire tobecome a singer. I owe it incredibly to her that my career turned out thisway, to her unwavering belief that I was a very special child. She believed inme without any reservations. That made me believe in myself.”
INTUITION – Letting go is an art
“I hate to say it, but on stage I don’t dare to improvise. That’s why, despitemy training in jazz singing, I never felt like a real jazz singer. It has todo with control. When I know where I stand, I flourish. I just sing betterwhen I know what’s happening in the next bar.
When I write, I manage to let go of that control. I write very much from mysubconscious. While I make up a melody, words come out and I use them; a kindof scatting.
From all new songs arose The Room the most intuitive. That was reallybizarre. I sang without thinking, it was total improvisation. I didn’t knowwhat it was about and why. But it made me so emotional. I almost cried when Isang it. There is more in that vessel, I feel that very strongly.
Image Patrick Post
That’s why I took this huge risk of quitting Caro Emerald and startingsomething new: I don’t want to let my fears hold me back anymore. They arethere, I have many. I can be very doom-mongering and I am easily afraid toscrew something up, to fall. But to get somewhere you sometimes have to dosomething that is not so cool.
I consciously taught myself to allow that: try something instead of having tobe able to do something right away. It’s so beautiful what kind of world opensup for you. So with this project I also break free from my own head. It isalso a personal transformation.”
LOOK – I show you who I am
“The big difference with Caro Emerald is that there is now a woman at the helmwho decides for herself and writes her own lyrics. The latter is a fundamentaldifference, because a man quickly puts a woman in a certain role in a text. Iwould like multiple roles. I also dare to be unkind in my new songs. A manwould think less of that. My female empowerment is a huge theme on the newalbum.
The songs, but also the clips and photos that I had taken with them, shouldgive the feeling that you can really see me now. In one of the clips I evenliterally expose myself: you see me together with a woman, naked, veryintimate and sensual. Eventually you’ll find out that’s just me – it’s aboutself-love, not sexuality: I’m not lesbian or bi.
For me, that clip is a bit uncomfortable to watch. The shame is in thenakedness, to show it publicly. That was exactly why I wanted to make thatclip. As a woman you always have to explain yourself: why are you naked? Whatdo you want to achieve with it? But naked can also be just beautiful. So Idon’t have to answer for that. That’s what that clip is about.
The public wants to know if this is what I am for years to come. To be honest,I have no idea. I’m not going to pin down. Ideas are changeable, just like awardrobe changes, so tomorrow could be different again. Either way, I hope Ican stay true to myself. That I stay close to myself. I suppose I can do thatbetter now, better than before, I went through this whole process for areason. This is meant to stay.”